to infinity and beyond

i dreamt of mom on mother’s day. how very timely. how so like mommy..

as far back as i can recall, mom calls me graciela; sometimes gracia. once in a while grace, never boo. but in all her letters, she calls me 'honey'.. coincidentally, it was the title of her favorite song in the olden days.

“honey, I miss you
and I’m being good
and I’d love to be with you
if only I could”

to say that mom looked after all her kids was an understatement. i still remember how, in my younger years, she would never delegate the cooking task to the maids because she wants to ensure that the meals are seasoned to our liking.
and how, in high school, she would stock food on my bag that’s enough to feed all my girlfriends, with the instruction to “eat as soon as you feel the slightest sign of hunger; ok, gracia? never mind if the teacher gets mad; i’ll deal with them later!”
knowing her, you can bet your life that she'd do that..
and how, in college, she’d travel one and a half hours early morning to my dormitory, only to take out my uniform from the closet, put hanky on the pocket, polish my shoes, put stockings beside it, and make sure my purse is loaded so when i wake up, everything is set (notwithstanding the fact that my class is still in late afternoon so i have all the time to get it done on my own!). yes, i have the nerve to say it was happening in my college years. nye..

indeed, i grew up witnessing how mothers are so paranoid, so overworked. not that we ask them to be; it’s just that they’re naturally sadists to themselves that they won’t rest from taking care of the family.

in my early teen life, mom (and dad later) moved to the US, while i opted to stay in our native land. that started my independence - but only to a certain extent.. you see, the only thing new with that arrangement is that i don’t get to see mom daily. her nosiness on my business continued; in fact, it manages to reach me like it travels with the wind. her unsolicited advice gets to me faster than a speeding bullet. grabe..

that is why we had a love - hate relationship. i got my dad's most distinguished trait : i'd rather be left on my own. that, certainly, didn’t correspond well with mom's preference. her character is the all knowing, too caring, so protective, almighty person in charge of the family who feels bad if, at least one of us, at any given time, would not require her help and attention.. by the way, there are 6 children and a daddy in the family to "baby sit".

she’s at her happiest when sought for assistance, and i was the least to give in to that; although given my weakness, it was a better choice to have her watch me always. obviously, i was too proud (an attitude i inherited from her) to admit my vulnerability.

it's sad that i didn’t realize when i still can that the passing of time wouldn't halt till i accept how a mother's exaggerated affection is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, that could ever happen to me.. mom won’t be around forever; i should have known..
now, mom's song lingers in my mind..

"one day while i was not at home,
while she was there and all alone
the angels came.
now all i have is memories
of 'Honey' when i wake up nights
and call her name.
now my life's an empty stage
where 'Honey' lived and 'Honey' played
and love grew up.
and a small cloud passes overhead
and cries down on the flower bed
that 'Honey' loved.."

it feels like forever since i last saw her alive and still strong. i have been missing her badly, believe it or not, the nosiness included.

especially these days when my unique trait of being the only sickly one in the clan seems to be acting up again, i can only wish that mom's snooping be once more notorious..

with on and off pain that loves to bother me, nothing compares to mommy's assurance that i’m fine. somehow, even the favorable results of my recent medical tests would not make my worry go away.
i have been inconsiderably stressed with this, and my sanity requires that i relax now or be really seriously ill!

well, the wonder of all wonders.. mom remains a mom even from up there.
while her prying eyes must have been focused on me as usual, she walked into my dream just to declare, “you’re okay, honey”.

what can i say, now i can relax. all it took was a few words from that all knowing, too caring, so protective, almighty person in charge of the family.

what is it about mothers, they always come at the right time.
they defy boundaries to no end.

oh, but of course. it's a "mother thing".
the warmth extends to infinity and beyond.
as life goes on..